Fuck!
Can we turn this down?
I mean,
all I wanted was a little bit of music.
How do you do that?
Do what?
Read in the car.
I get car sick as shit, you know?
Start getting all queasy, and burps start smelling weird,
I'm puking, projectile vomit.
- It'll be violent, you know what I mean? - Like...
Like I'm eating it back into my mouth, I can't see, it splatters everywhere.
A little piece gets into your eye, and you're like... Ahhh!
So, you open your mouth and it gets in your mouth,
and you're gagging, you're vomiting all over the place,
and I crash into a tree.
Could you please stop?
I'm gonna finish working on my checklist, you know?
Did you bring the wine glasses?
Yeah.
Uh, I'm gonna double check.
Whoa!
- It's okay. Oh, my God. - Really? Really?
Okay, let me help you, there's a towel around here.
It's everywhere. Who paved this fucking road?
Is that a rhetorical question?
Could you try not to hit, you know, all the pot holes and/or gardeners?
You seem a little anxious.
I am. I mean, I'm running this business now.
If I fail, the business fails.
If the business fails, then I don't make money.
And If I can't make money, I can't pay you. You know?
It's all I know how to do, is parties,
and if I can't do parties, then what does that say about me?
I mean... It's... I don't know.
I mean, it sounds like you were born to party, you know?
I mean, not like, you know, party, but, like, party, like, cater...
You were born to cater, you know...
Do you smoke weed?
I think weed would be great. If I was a doctor...
- Paul? - Yeah.
Just stop. Just stop.
Really? I thought, maybe, we were communicating there. I'm...
Yeah? No?
Phone.
Oh, my God, I'm not a child. I know not to use my phone while I work!
Why do I have to give it to you?
I don't want the guests seeing you searching for a signal like an idiot.
There's no winning with you.
Yeah.
- Careful! - I know, I know.
Please don't fuck this up.
- This year's been hard enough as it is. - Yeah, I know.
Yeah, I'm...
Yeah, I mean, I know. I'm sorry, I'm sorry. It's gonna be perfect.
Wow!
This place is a piece of shit.
You'll see it has its charms.
You're not gonna wear that shirt, are you?
Everything's gonna be okay. All right? Just relax.
Flora!
Como estas?
Julia, darling!
So good to see you!
Sounds all right to you?
Sounds damn good to me.
I'm Lawrence. Tonight's entertainment. Friends call me "Larry".
Bartender Paul. Friends call me "Paul".
Well, Paul, you seem awfully glum on such a fine afternoon.
Is there something I can play to cheer up your spirits?
I don't know. Why don't you surprise me?
Do you know anything in the key of G?
- "G" like "greats"? - "G" like... That's funny. Clever.
Larry?
Paul.
Yeah.
You think I'd outgrow the onion cries, right?
Dad was always on chopping duty.
I heard about your father. I'm sorry, Julia.
It's been tough.
I'm just trying to hold everything together.
But you're just as good as he was. Better, even.
Everything will work out.
Oh, my God!
Jesus!
Fuck!
He likes you.
Yeah, no.
I'm pretty sure I'd rather jump off a cliff.
Whew!
Hey, there. Put you in charge, huh?
Uh... Yeah.
- You got much experience? - Sure, yeah.
I'm good at serving drinks.
I'm good at consuming alcohol, so, really, I'm over-qualified for the job.
Um, yeah, well, that's my personal stash.
So, if you can just keep them cold and, you know, don't give them out.
You put "open bar" on these flyers and people coming running down from the hills.
These cocksuckers are expensive.
Yeah. I'll keep them safe for you, sir.
You don't have to call me "sir". I'm Sydney Perch.
Paul.
Yeah. Nice, Paul. Um...
You wanna have a beer with me?
It's totally cool, just don't, you know, tell my mom.
I really should wait till I'm off the clock.
I'm gonna get you started.
There you go.
Sydney!
Is little Percy down there? He's run off, again!
I'd better go get him. Put that on ice, okay?
Weird.
God damn it!
Jesus!
You see?
You see that? They were like this, they're fucking huge.
- Avoid everything here. It's bad. - No, poor baby.
I brought this for you.
I thought you might forget that. Don't put it through your hand.
I'm not gonna put it through my hand.
Oh! Kidding.
Can you do me favour?
Can you just warn that guy about the wasps? They're just...
I don't know. They're really making me nervous.
- 'Cause if he's allergic... - Sydney?
Yeah. The guy with the... Quasimodo.
Was he drunk?
Um...
I mean, I gave him a beer.
So, it depends what his tolerance is. I mean, he did suck it down pretty good.
Just remember these are our clients.
Yeah. Aye, aye, Captain.
Why do I... This is not the fucking White House. Okay?
I mean, her husband was in pharmaceutical business.
A corporate drug dealer.
They medicate the American population into fucking zombies. All right?
I don't need to respect that.
You should respect the fact that we're doing a job.
Yes, you're right.
Fuck!
- That looks terrible. - Yeah, it is terrible.
Do you want to kiss it, make it better?
First aid's in the glove compartment. Okay?
Next to that is a spare pair of pants. You should put them on.
One leg at a time. All right?
And while you're at it, move the van to the back of the house.
Guests arrive in 25 minutes. So, chop-chop.
Hey, Paul, I noticed that you put up all these lights.
Climbed that tree, huh?
'Cause I know that I didn't get you a ladder. Looks really nice.
I'm really happy that you're here and you're helping me.
You look good.
Jesus. What the fuck else.
Oh, my God!
Little guy, you scared the shit out of me.
Percy?
Oh.
Excuse me. Hi. Mrs Perch?
I'm sorry, I just couldn't help, but admire your garden, it's beautiful.
You're the boy they've sent to tend bar?
Paul.
You remind me a bit of my late husband.
He was very fetching.
Oh.
Why, I do believe I hear some guests arriving.
Well, I'd better get back to it.
Come along, Percy. Come along.
Yes, little boy. Come on.
Here we go.
- Thank you. - Cheers.
- Hi, what can I get you? - We'll have two reds.
All right. Coming right up. You two newlyweds?
Thank you.
- Would you like some? - No, thank you.
Hello.
Enjoy.
It'll ruin my scotch.
Hello.
Hi, how are you? What can I get you?
Gin, with a splash of flat water, please.
That's a first for the night.
You're enjoying the party so far?
I am. I am.
So, how do you know the family?
Oh, we are friends of them. My husband and I.
Oh, your husband.
Almost divorced.
That's... That's sad.
- No? - Mmm-hmm.
Yeah.
Reminds me of a joke.
Let's save the punch line for later. Okay?
Okay.
All right. I...
Okay.
Having all fun here in cougar town, huh?
- No, but seriously, do you need anything? - No, it's fine. I'm fine.
Everything is good, actually.
- Hey, Mr Mayor. Everything okay? - Yes.
This party needs an autopsy.
Yeah. Give me a double, no ice.
Who is responsible for these little piggy thingies?
This young lady right here. What did I tell you?
Excuse my language.
But these are the best fucking piggy thingies I've ever had in my life.
- Does everything taste okay? - Oh, they're delicious. Yeah.
- You have a card? - Yeah.
'Cause I'm gonna need someone for my re-election party next month.
Thank you. I'll call you.
Well, we're all keeping our fingers crossed.
For you.
Oh.
You two make a good pair.
Thank you. Thank you. Bye.
Wow!
Hi, ladies. Have you tasted these?
They have a whole tray of them up there.
Oh, my God.
Ugh, this is disgusting.
Ugh!
Hey, man, you should really watch out.
These fucking things are everywhere.
They are really fucking nasty. Just in case you're allergic, or whatever.
You know what I'm allergic to?
- What? - You bumming me out.
Care for a little relief? I've got a prescription from Dr Greenthumb.
- Sweet party, dude. - Yeah, I mean, it's not bad.
They are super rich, these people.
So, you just keep your head down. You know, they'd...
I guess, they tip well. That's what Julia says.
Julie, Julie. She's a hottie-with-a-body, huh?
She's not...
She doesn't happen to be available, does she?
I don't... I haven't asked her.
I totally get it, man!
- Hello. - Hi.
I'll have whatever you're making.
I like the way you hold that bottle.
Thank you, that guy was really creepy.
He looks like Ulysses S. Grant.
Thanks for the invite.
Uh... Well, Mother and I are certainly delighted
you could all be here this evening to remember Dad.
These gatherings have certainly become a tradition throughout the years.
Sorry, I didn't think you'd be so cool about it.
Yeah, well. I mean, everyone can smell it on you, so...
Sorry.
So, everybody, enjoy themselves and have a great time
and stay as long as you'd like and...
Um... Uh...
Yeah, yeah...
Thank you all for coming.
And for leaving the kids at home.
- Really? - It's funny.
- What? - Fucking shit!
Did you see that?
Help!
Oh, God! Help him!
I think something bit him.
No. No, I couldn't possibly...
You're a doctor! Help him!
I'm a gynaecologist, for Christ's sake!
What the hell is happening?
Oh, God! Get away from him!
I got a cold compress.
Oh, my God. All right, all right. Watch out!
Somebody call 911! For fuck's sake!
- Can you help me with this, sir? - Yeah. I'll do the best I can.
Roll him onto the cloth. One, two, three!
Everybody, get inside right now!
Get off me! Leave me! Leave me! Leave me alone!
Don't! Don't! No!
Ugh!
Jesus!
Ahhh!
Fuck!
We're taking the party inside, Mother. Come on! Let's go!
Oh, God, what's happening?
Jesus! Come on. Come on, come on.
God damn it!
- Oh, my God. - Oh, God!
What the fuck!
Julia? Julia!
Oh, fuck!
Oh, my God.
Hey!
Get the fuck off him!
- Are you okay? Are you okay? - No, no, no...
- Are you okay? - I'm fine, I'm fine!
You two! Julia! Come on. Get in here!
Come on!
Let's go.
Guys, everyone is in the kitchen. Let's go. Come on.
What the hell just happened? God!
You've made it.
I feel sick, Flora.
Oh, no, Mrs Perch, you're okay. Everything is okay.
What are we gonna do now? What the hell just happened?
We just heard screams and then all the people were just...
Those are... Those bees!
They're not bees. Those are wasps!
Who gives a shit? Bees, wasps...
We spray for wasps, don't we, Sydney?
It was mania. It was hysteria. That's what it was.
My puppy is out there!
Fuck the pooch, Ma.
Who called 911?
Cell service is virtually non-existent out here, but there's a phone in the office.
What did they say when you called?
You didn't call.
Are you all insane? Nobody called 911?
What am I supposed to say?
You say the Mayor is pinned down, and that he can't retreat.
- All right! Listen, listen! - Then you see what happens.
Listen! We need to find out. Is anyone stung?
I got him before he got me.
- Oh, God. - That's good. That's very good.
- Just hurry. - No, Mrs Perch, it's okay.
It's not okay. It's not... You people don't see...
You don't seem to see how severe this is. You need medical attention, Mrs Perch.
Everybody at your garden party needs medical attention.
We need to move from the kitchen to the front of the house.
So, when the EMTs arrive, you can easily get into the ambulance.
So, why don't we do that?
I'd rather just stay here. But you will show them where we are?
- Okay. Can you please keep an eye on her? - Yeah, I will.
Thank you. Sydney, can you help me find the fucking phone?
- My heart is racing. Oh! Oh! - You'll be all right.
Sydney, you're just going to leave me?
Flora will take care you, Ma. She's at least good at that.
Hey, hey. I'm here.
Are you fucking kidding me? What year is this?
- What? - What? What? What the fuck!
Oh, my God.
Oh, fuck!
Okay, the phone is not going to work.
Well, that's great! That's fucking whoop dee doo!
Help me! Paul!
- How do I open this fucking window? - We have to open the door.
How do we know that he hasn't been...
He is fine. I swear, he is fine.
We have to let him in!
- Have you been stung? - What?
No! No! I tried to help them! This is not my blood.
- Prove it. - Prove it? He's fucking...
Listen, go around the back and I'll let you in.
Stay with me.
Oh, fuck! Oh, my...
Look out behind you!
Oh, my God!
- What are we gonna fucking do? - Get away from that fucking...
Well, that's that.
- That's that? - We could have saved him!
What, and let them suckers in here, too? No, thank you. Uh-uh.
Can't we just go around back and just go through the field
and then just keep going?
It's the dumbest thing I've heard all day!
Didn't you see what happened to that guy?
Oh, do you have any better ideas?
Both of you guys, shut the fuck up! Okay?
Little wasps can follow us for fucking miles if they're pissed off.
Sydney, we need a small area that we can barricade. Is there a cellar?
A basement. What about the basement?
- Basement? - It's like a fortress. Right?
- You guys wanna hide? - Yes.
- Let's hide. - Yes.
- Wait. Wait. Sydney, wait. - Wait, wait, wait!
We need to get everybody from the kitchen. Together, we need to travel downstairs...
Go away!
- Stop! Get away from her. - No!
- We gotta get her out of here. - Help me, grab her arm!
Ma!
What? Do you want to kill me, too, now?
No!
- Holy... - Mother!
Fucker!
Come on! Come on, come on, come on, come on!
- Let's go! - We need to get her...
Please, help me!
Oh, great. Well, we've got to drag the Mexican around?
I'm from fucking Argentina! Hijo de...
Flora. Flora, Flora.
Come on. Let's go. Come on!
- Sydney, wait! Wait for us! - Come on. Come on.
- Come on! - They're inside! They're inside!
Open the door. Open the door.
Sydney, you gotta open the door!
Right now, Sydney! You must open the door!
Go, go, go, go!
You have to open the fucking door right now!
- Right now! Go, go, go. - Go! Go! Go!
Inside, get inside.
Oh, God! They're gonna break through.
No, the door is to fire code standards.
Plus, Mom hates it down here. She never comes to the basement.
She's not a "she" any more, Sydney.
Oh! Found it!
Ow. Fuck!
Forgive my ever-loving mouth,
but what the fuck are we supposed to do now? Anybody?
Oh.
What a wonderful selection.
Uh, those are vintage!
Really? I see that. It's a 1943 Bordeaux.
Excuse me, hey.
I forgot my bottle opener upstairs.
Can you help me open this, young man?
Yeah, actually I have a trick.
You put the base in your shoe, so the glass doesn't break.
What?
You have blood on your face.
It worked.
I could have saved my last marriage if I had a trick like that.
The dames must be dancing all over you.
Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm swimming in poontang, as my friends like to call it.
Oh, God.
It's not dames any more.
Thanks.
What?
I don't know...
I think, you know, you'd think she'd be grateful that I'm here.
I'm helping out.
I don't know, she still treats me like an employee even now, you know.
She's holding up. She's just afraid.
- I am too. - Yeah.
I shat myself.
No, I mean it. I shat myself.
I'm so sorry.
A work of art, right there.
It's not bad.
You're kidding right?
It looks like we're all taking a shit or something.
When my... When my pops died, my ma could barely even look at that thing.
You said there were good times in your toast.
Good times?
They both hated me.
To Mom, I was just a problem.
And to Dad I was just some freak, he couldn't care.
And if there were good times, I wasn't invited.
You don't look so hot.
You know, all those people up there... And now I'm...
- Just, all the... - I'm sorry
about everything.
You know, I just realised, if we all make it out of here alive,
there's a great chance I'm gonna get re-elected,
'cause I have a hell of a lot to say.
Huh.
Yeah.
With all that going on out there, how did you know what to do?
I don't know. I just...
I just did. I was a lifeguard for a couple of summers, so I guess it wore off.
That must've been a great gig.
Last week I was there. A little kid fell in the pool, and I just...
Instinct.
Jump in. Saved him. Got the water out of his lungs.
He was alive, he said thank you to me. You know, I put him in the ambulance.
A week later he died of pneumonia.
Like, you know, saving people for what? My instinct for what?
I never expected shrimp cocktails would sprout wings and fucking eat people.
I just... God, I don't know.
I've seen atrocities, I was dug in with the 9th Infantry. Korea.
Saw thousands of bodies. Hundreds and thousands of bodies.
Far as the eye could see.
I thought I'd take those images to my grave
before today.
You know what? You really stood up.
Good work.
Expensive.
I know drinking on the job is a big no-no,
but when people start losing their limbs and their eyeballs pop out of their face,
I just... I find it needed.
Well, I'd say we're off the clock.
Could you imagine the overtime?
I'm this close to the new oven in the kitchen.
I'd get an old VW bug. Not to be ironic, but just be cool.
And I would just drive the whole country.
All 50 states.
All 50 states. Even Hawaii?
Hawaii? First.
But how are you gonna get there?
I would air-lift it, probably.
It's gonna be a lot of money!
Well, that's why I need the overtime.
Mmm.
I know a joke.
Good for you. Just one?
- Mmm-hmm. Do you want to hear it? - Not really.
- I'm gonna tell you. - Okay.
What is a bee's favourite movie?
Whew! That's a tough one. No idea.
How the hell can all of this be happening?
Mutations.
What?
Mutations. The fertiliser for the garden came from God-only-knows where.
- But my mom... - You're kidding. Are you fucking kidding me?
My ma didn't like the stuff from the Garden Depot
so I took my dad's leftover growth hormones and I mixed it with the fertiliser.
I'm sorry. Are you saying that you... You spiced up some fertiliser...
And now we're sitting in a giant ball of wasp shit.
You're saying you knew?
Those people are fucking dead because of you.
- I didn't know about the wasps. - What are you talking about?
You're fucked up!
They knocked the lights out! How do they know how to do that?
- What, are they electricians now? - There's a backup generator.
We'll wait till the sun comes up,
and then we'll make a run for it in the morning.
- No, they'll be down here before then! - We have to drive
- out of here-right now. - We need keys.
Keys. Keys. Yeah, I lost the fucking van keys!
All right. I'm gonna retrace my steps.
I'm gonna find the keys to the van
and we're gonna drive till we run out of gas.
No, I won't let you go alone.
Shut the fuck up and trust me. Please.
I'm the only one who goes.
No! No! Don't go out there!
Because the wasps will come here and lay their eggs in me.
How do I know when you'll be back?
You don't.
Stingin' in the Rain.
It's a bee's favourite movie. I mean, I know it's a dad joke.
But I like it. I don't know.
Close the windows behind me.
Jesus, fuck me.
What the fuck am I doing? Okay. Okay.
That young man has balls of steel.
To be a man, you have to be a man. Yeah.
If you don't mind, I'm gonna try that shoe trick again.
Are you all right?
Ugh!
Percy. Percy.
God damn it. Percy?
What's the matter with you?
Get away!
I can't control it!
The weeny, he got bit and didn't tell us.
Oh...
Oh, Jesus!
Oh, God. Oh, God. Oh, God.
- Help! Help! - Help us!
Help!
What's going on?
Are you okay?
Did you find the keys?
Yes. Yes I did.
- Is it still safe? - No, it's not.
We have to go through the house. Come on.
Let's go!
Oh, okay.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Okay. Come on.
All right then, let's get going.
No.
Okay.
I got this.
Damn.
This stuff's harder than granite.
Shit. Fuck.
I'll go.
Come on, pull!
- Hold on. - Get out of here!
God damn it!
Get off of me.
Kiss my ass!
Come.
Fuck.
- They're nailed shut. - Like fucking Fort Knox in here.
I don't want to be here any more. I want to be at home.
I gotta feed my diabetic dog Ace.
Then I'm gonna take a bath and I'm gonna go to bed.
That's what I need to do.
I need to sell my business.
No one is gonna hire me after this. Are you kidding me?
I know I need to get a new job.
As do I.
You could be a good teacher.
- Me? - Yeah.
You have little boys giving you apples and flirting with you.
Oh, come on.
- I think you'd be a good janitor. - I would be a good janitor.
- I'm really good at cleaning. - Not really.
Are we gonna work in the same school?
- If it's in Hawaii. - I'm down with that. I need to be warm.
Love being warm.
I like cuddling.
You know, you're a man. You're not supposed to admit that, right?
It's sexual. There's touching involved. Spooning. It's...
- Fuck you. - You wish.
- Do you like making out? - Di...
God damn it!
Help me flip this.
Stop, stop, stop, stop, stop.
It's dead. It's dead.
Are you okay?
Look at me. Are you okay?
We need to go.
Go. Go. Go.
No!
No! No! No!
No! No!
Oh, you've got a little something there, huh?
Wake up.
There you go.
How are you doing?
Somebody's got an ouchy!
- No! - Gotta have you strong and healthy.
I wanna get that out.
Ouchy.
Ah!
Mother has been waiting for you.
We've all been waiting for you.
Look at her. Look at her.
She wants you. She picked you.
Sydney, fucking...
You're going to be my new daddy!
Sydney, fucking stop it! Please, please stop it.
Stop and think for yourself, man. She's fucking using you.
I know you can fucking hear me. Just listen, just stop. Please.
Seriously, I need your help.
Mother wants you.
Fuck your mom, Sydney!
Everything's going to be all right. Come on now.
Fuck you! Fuck you!
Fuck!
Fuck off!
Come on.
You fuck.
What are you gonna do now, you old bitch?
What are you gonna do now?
Come on.
Get up. Come on.
- Are you okay to drive? - I think so.
The whole fucking nest is coming.
Good. Come on.
Go, go, go, go, go!
- You all right? - Fine.
- What? - I'm okay!
Holy fucking shit.
That's one way to do it.
- Go out of the car! - No!
- Get out of the fucking car! - Fuck you!
All right. Here we go!
Julia, are you okay?
Julia?
Fuck!
Julia?
Julia, wake up.
Wake up.
Wake up. Wake up!
We fucking made it out! Now you're gonna die? Wake up!
Wake up! Wake up! Wake up!
Are you okay?
- Yes. - Fuck you.
You scared the shit out of me!
Looks like we got a possible 10-50.
Okay, sir, we're gonna get...
Hey, what do you make of this?